the path of happiness

i’m calling it the “you-insignificant” approach. i first realized it from my readings of the book “do not sweat the small stuff” (richard carlson.1997). and it’s working for me, right now. actually, if you become too familiar with this principle, you’ll be able to glean it from many different sources. just worded differently. (e.g. be humble from the bible)

according to carlson, most of the time we treat life as an emergency. we are busy all the time trying to fix a lot of things in order for them to be in tune with the music we are playing or for the images in our mind to become reality.

this creates the feeling that time and worst “we” are never enough (jeffrey r. holland. liahona. the tounge of angels. may 2007.). at this point we feel sad, craving and frustrated.

by using the “you-insignificant” approach, we lessen the level of frustration and worries on many things which are beyond our control. you wouldn’t blame yourself or others too much when things seems going the wrong way. and thereby, increase your enjoyment of the present situation no matter how different it is in contrast to what is ideal for you.

the approach starts with acceptance of the fact that you are a small voice in this huge orchestra called life. whatever happens to you, the world will not stop so much as to look at you. glance? yes, maybe. and moves on. it is because life is always on the go.

“my old professor, meanwhile, was stunned by the normalcy of the day around him. shouldn’t the world stop? don’t they know what has happened to me? but the world did not stop, it took no notice at all…” (tuesdays with morrie. mitch albom.2002)

if we are to think of the famous personalities as an example of the world noticing, it could be. but truth is, they consist of an infinitesimal number of humans in this world. and the limelight most of the time flickers for a very short time. sometimes leaving frustration at its trail. remember, there can only be one oprah winfrey, brad pete, angelina jolie, etc. only one idol get to sing “this is the time of my life” every year.

next step is to enjoy doing what you do best and desire not to be heard or seen by everyone. though sometimes in unexpected ways people do notice. that is the bonus. doing what you enjoy and being lauded for it.

here is an example of how it works. i have a blog. and thousands of others too. i enjoy writing my thoughts. a lot. should i allow the craving to be heard to steal my enjoyment in writing? definitely not.

it isn’t about arrogance or an i-don’t-care attitude. but acceptance of the fact that i am only a small voice. others will notice. still others will not. and i try to be open to both possibilities.

that’s how the world works. everyone come and go. a great million passed unnoticed. but it doesn’t mean you or i can’t be happy.

the gender issue

with so many things happening these days, this one will not escape anyone’s attention. with the so called “acceptance” many men are getting into it. and many of them are good-looking. ‘ understand the ladies fear of losing the battle.

 

homosexuality is part of human history. materials abound about sexuality “doubts” on prominent figures not only of today but also of the famous personalities of yesterdays. was it da vinci? or shakespeare perhaps? how about aristotle? even jesus christ (read jesus christ, superstar or watch the play instead) was made as subject to it.

 

when it comes to this things, i’m open minded (‘ hope that will show in my words). i try to bring all the facts in.

 

i’ll start with the bible (kjv version). before the city of sodom and gomorrah was burned, “men” (angels) visited lot’s family to warn them of the impending destruction. lot’s neighbors reaction showed interest on them. the word used was “know”. but search the word in its original tongue the bible was written and it connotes more than knowing. it hangs on issues of sexuality. and this took place in the days of abraham. (etymology of sodomy, i think, is because of this place).

 

in the new testament, i’ll refer to only two verses. romans 1:26-27. “for this cause god gave them up unto vile affections. for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:

and likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another men with men working that which is unseemly…”

interpret this in many different ways. twist it. and your guess is as good as mine. vile affections, natural use, lust, unseemly.

 

for people who believes in the bible i think this verses clarifies its stand on the issue.

 

now my thoughts. i have nothing against homos. i have lots of them as friends. they are fun to be with. and i care about them. (in all of my relationship i bring this george iliot quote to mind “what do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?”)

 

but i have to disagree with them at some of their beliefs.

 

first and foremost of which is they were created that way. i don’t buy that. being a boy or a girl is not an option. but being a homo is. a new-born infant is like a clean slate of canvas we say. but at this point (birth), nature had decided the path an individual must take. you can see that on the infant’s crotch. and from here begins the world of choices – what you become is because of that, your own choice.

 

next is the irresistible urge of inclination of becoming a homo. ok, you like girly things. does that make you a girl? a woman trapped in a man’s body? (sorry, for sure this will hurt.) you crave a woman’s “love” inspite of being a woman too. does that make your domain on male species? it does not, right?

 

i’ll try to explain this craving. i once read in a psychology book (forgot the title) a definition of choices involving sexuality. it’s like a pendulum. in each extremes are the options completely straight. middle point is neutral (not much in there. even in food and drinks, gender is taken into consideration). at some point each of us made choices which wanders around between the two opposite extremes. or in layman’s term we made choices which are at some point were inappropriate for our sexuality. or to shorten this up, there were times you were “girly” and there were times when you were “manly”. and there is nothing wrong with that. but all are bound in the nature’s decision of our gender. man is a man, always. same as the woman. we can never alter that. it’s a decision we cannot make.

but homosexuality is a choice.

 

but what about the “irresistible” urge of liking? i say, tame your head. don’t let it wander aimlessly. everything starts there.

 

here is the point i want to make – gender (male or female) is an integral part of our personality. if a man desires another man that is a choice and not because he was created that way.

 

personal note: friend, you know i will always love you. ‘ hope my actions could prove how understanding i can be.

inay, i hope this settles your worries. i definitely know where i stand.

david cook… again

i’m just wrapping this up (the links, i mean).

what more can be said?

he won! and he deserves it!

final 2 first song “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1255&pcs=537

final 2 second song “Dream Big”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1254&pcs=537

final 2 third song “The World I Know”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1253&pcs=537

top 3 first song “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”     

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1234&pcs=534

top 3 second song “Dare To Make You Move”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1233&pcs=534

top 3 third song “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1232&pcs=534

top 4 first song “Hungry Like The Wolf”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1212&pcs=532

top 4 second song “Baba O’Riley”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1211&pcs=532

top 5 first song “I’m Alive”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1187&pcs=530

top 5 second song “All I Really Need Is You”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1186&pcs=530

top 6 “Music Of The Night”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1160&pcs=528

top 7 “Always Be My Baby”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1139&pcs=526

top 8 “Innocent”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1119&pcs=524

top 9 “Little Sparrow”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1093&pcs=518

top 10 “Billie Jean”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1070&pcs=514

top 11 “Day Tripper”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1044&pcs=510

top 12 “Eleanor Rigby”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=1019&pcs=505

top 16 “Hello”

http://www.americanidol.com/videos/?vid=995&pcs=501

and it came to pass…

there was a point in my life when religion was the center of my life. i dressed like a minister and talked like a minister. read and familiarized the bible from cover to cover. and also other written scriptures.

 

far from what i am today.

 

imagine finding me talking, preaching and teaching the whole 3 hours of sunday service. i taught all age group that there was (children, youths and adults).

at the same time church had taught me how to deal with people. helped me overcome timidity and shyness. made a lot of friends. some of whom i still treasure.

 

but everything isn’t sunshine. i think, wherever you derive the greatest joy, is where you derive your greatest sorrow also.

 

i may not be as active as before but i still believe this is the best church anyone could find on earth today. the organization is perfect (system governance). amazing is their way of adapting to change without compromising creed when time calls it.

 

i’ve read much writings criticizing this religion but none could persuade me otherwise. either they are berating the church’s prominent personalities or exposing their (the authors’) own flaws.

 

i maybe keeping a few resentment but it could never influence me to proclaim the church false. i may not be able to gain my ground again (as to my standing within the church) still their teachings is one of my references when it comes to deciding what is wrong and what is right. oft times i read the recent sermons delivered by their present authorities.

 

because…

 

it is where i am looking for the fulfillment of the signs foretold in the bible.

it is where i think every human soul can find safety.

proud to be pinoy!!!

i watched these videos only today. and i have to write this post right away.

nice to see these people having their dreams come true and at the same time bring honor to the place where they’re from.

kudos to the two of you.

an epilogue (childhood memories)

it seems everything i had written is full of heartaches and pain. but i do have a happy childhood. you can imagine it as interrupted but in general, it was quite ok. like normal kids, i climbed trees, played in the streets, get sick and healed, went to school, laughed, cried and so on.

 

in other words, i survived. though, with an indelible scar.

 

i’m not giving an excuse for my or other people’s unacceptable behavior. the power to choose is always present even in the most trying circumstances. but sometimes when the effects of horrible events in your life is deeply ingrained in the heart, the struggle to choose what is right is far greater than someone who lead a blissful life.

 

that’s why we cannot expect someone to react like the way we do.

 

that’s why we cannot rush to judge anyone about the things they do.

 

revelation

why am i telling this now? i completely have no idea. just for my blog? i don’t know. it could be. i had kept this a secret for quite a long time. maybe, the next day after i post this. i’ll be filled with humiliation and will be wishing i never let this out.

 

anyways, i’m thinking only a few will read and view my site. it will be drowned in the flood of blogs that are on the web, right now. and to others it will be just another story. just a story.

 

anyhow, i want the world to become a better place.

 

it was said crime strives because of silence. time to end mine. i hope this will foster an awareness and alertness (vigilance) on people who’ll read this.

 

looking back, i don’t know how to feel now. terrible? i don’t know. embarrassed? much. does the world really need to know this?

 

i’m very much aware, this ain’t a unique story. others had experienced worst. but sometimes we think, it could never happen to us. or to our children. it does. it happened to me. affected my whole being. and despite all my learnings it could never undo what i had experienced.

 

 

because of my cryings in the early sunday mornings when left alone, my mother had the impression to let someone be my companion on those nights. and she picked someone from the neighbors. this guy came from a very large family (10 children perhaps). his parents readily agreed, i think it was a relief for them because at the very least his sleeping with us will provide a bigger sleeping space for their family.

 

and so, he started sleeping with us.

 

and also started my innocence to be stripped away.

 

i can’t remember now of what age he was then. could be at the age when imbalanced hormones drives any boy to experiment on many different things.

 

i never told my mom. i never told anyone. just now. when somehow i could hide on anonymity (though a few close friends knows i own this blog).

 

do i hate him? i don’t know.

 

but i do have one wish. i wish it never happened to me. because of it, in my very young age i came in contact with the sensual side of things.

 

many years had passed but i still carry the burden of the effects of those events.

 

i wish children the world over would be spared of all kinds of abuses.

to parents, i hope you’ll be fully aware of your own kids. and have the kind of relationship with them that they’ll never hide any secrets from you.

why stay single?

 

i hated the dusk, an hour i once loved. i felt so lonely now when the world spun into darkness. there was no one person in my life who was close enough to connect me to it. that’s all it takes: one person with whom you’ve no barriers at all. that joins you to the world and makes everything else possible. brothers don’t count. it’s terrible not to have that person. (the world i made for her. thomas moran. 1998 ) 

sometimes i feel that way. longing so deeply, it almost hurt. but what can i do?

my heart is not telling.

i will not court anyone just for the sake of having someone. i want my heart to feel it. i want my heart to tell me – here is the one.

 

but i also have other reasons, other than this romantic notions of falling in love.

 

it isn’t because i’m following the trend. many personalities are staying single these days inspite of being in the “marrying age” already.

 

it isn’t because I’m being practical. i don’t subscribe to the idea that an individual will ever get ready for marriage (esp. in the financial aspect). to some extent, yes. but never truly ready.

 

it’s because i don’t want to burden anyone with problems of my own. i know this ain’t a good trait. but i don’t want anyone to feel short-changed. with this, i could also be speaking for myself.

paul wrote about ‘a thorn in the flesh’ (2 corinthians 12:7) which many interpret as his weakness. i have that. i am struggling over something (i’ll divulge it later when it’s already solved. though a few very close friends knew about it, already.) which i am, at present, stubborn not to address. but i know, i have to face it one of these days. and it won’t be long.

then, i would be free. i can’t imagine what i could do once i got free from this bondage. 

 

 

 

family

this is my first written story (noticed the caps letter at the beginning of every sentence). most of what’s here is based on my life but some incidents were just made-up. it has no great ending. or really nothing much. i’m just trying my luck if i could become a good narrator someday. maybe.

 

Maybe it had happened many years ago. I was just too oblivious to acknowledge reality. But not anymore. Everything has suddenly became clear. After my visit in Antipolo.

 

My sister lives there. With her second husband. If you can call him that. I mean they are just together. Not within the bonds of matrimony. They have a child, though. In 3rd grade now.

 

I wonder why life can this be complicated. People get married and separate. Have kids with different partners. And blood-relations get confusing. Half-brothers. Half-sisters.

 

Actually, I’m no different. Ate (a bitchy name) is my half-sister. Mother side.

It might be in the genes. Being passed along.

 

I grew up with mother always by my side. Even as a kid, I knew then that I have a different father. In my case, it will not be too hard to know especially if your father’s legal wife lives just a few meters away. In the corner of the street where we also resided. How I avoided passing by their house! I took longer routes instead.

 

My father died when I was in 2nd grade. Not that we were close. I think his death made no difference at all. Mother was the only person who was always around. Especially as I bear a different surname (Family Code was not that strict when I was born.).

 

I grew up without seeing much of my half-brothers and half-sisters in the mother side. Most of them were married, have their own family, and lives in the cities. The oldest among the brothers was with us. He has three kids. Near my age bracket. His wife left him for other men. He was basically good. Don’t talk much. Feels like you are living with a stranger. Maybe, what he’d been through, did much of this to him. But I was close to his kids. And he was the breadwinner in the family. Though, Mother did her share if she can. And later (when I was in college), the youngest among the sisters gave us a monthly allowance.

 

There’s a lot more to tell of how dysfunctional my family was. But in general, Mother raised me as a good kid. Never made me feel that I don’t belong where I was then. But somehow, after the experiences, the little moments of life takes its toll when you’ve grown-up and is left to live alone on your own.

 

Those were my thoughts while on my way back to my place. And just then, reality hit me.

 

I’m actually on my own. None to call my family. After hearing the words, my half-sister uttered right into my face. These were the very words her brother told my mother while she was still alive. “That I had taken all her time from them. That mother had taken so much pride on me – an illegitimate son.”

 

I felt I was holding on to something which never became mine in the first place. Mother died almost 4 years ago. And she was, i think now, the only glue that was holding us together. And when she died, my “family” died with her.

 

I don’t know what will become of me or what will happen next. But in the meantime, i have to deal with what fate hands me. I’m OK, really. I’m just grateful that I’ve been blessed to somehow understand why people act the way they do.

my most traumatic experience (childhood memories 3)

 

 

and my brother started living with us. with his 3 kids. his wife abandoned them for the second time. another man.

 

my brother is basically good. very kind. he had accepted his wife again after she left for another man the first time she did it. but a repeat is too much. you can’t be too good of a person. kindness has its limits.

 

and so it was with my brother. with 3 kids to take care of, he opted to stay with us. the kids need a motherly attention and their grandma (my mother) can provide that.

 

and so it was. from just the two of us, the household has now 4 kids and two adults. this change was great until one night.

 

i can’t remember how close was i to my brother before this incident. or if ever we were. any closeness was replaced with estrangement because of this single night.

 

(this will all just be flashes of memories from this single event.)

 

i think we were having fun then. my brother, his 3 kids and i. my brother was teasing me. (we know how adults enjoy teasing little children driving them into tears). i think he was drunk. in my desperate attempt to retaliate, i took his newly washed shoes and soiled it. the mood suddenly turned sour. he charged after me and started strangulating me. with his hands on my neck, my back on the cot, i was losing my breath. i can’t remember now if i did some struggling. i think i did. the most vivid part is the crying of his kids, trying to stop him. i don’t know if i was crying too. my mom? she was out, buying “ready-made” food for dinner.

 

i don’t know what made him stop. because i’m still here writing this tale.

 

after this incident, a wall was erected between us. my mother will always cry whenever she tells this story to her sister.

 

i don’t see my brother now as someone who almost killed me. he’s been thru a lot of things and never fully recovered. turned into an alcoholic. and stopped dreaming for himself and his 3 kids.

 

i realize this is my trauma. i would suddenly feel stiff and tense whenever i’m around or just seeing a drunk man in my range of view. i grew uneasy and uncomfortable. always as if something bad will happen.

 

what happened to you as a child could sum up the underlying reason for your behavior as an adult.